Well, today has been really all over the place.  It started badly, with high anxiety, and two confronting discussions with my boss and boss’s boss respectively.  I actually took 20mg of buspirone (Buspar), 10mg before 9am and another 10mg at around 2pm, just to get through the day.  While it’s been prescribed for me, my psychiatrist has said it’s better to only take it when I need to, and to try other stuff first.  Well, today I needed it.  (Just to give you some idea, I usually go weeks between taking single 10mg tablets.)

Anyhow, I was so relieved to leave work.  I’d felt like a cat on a hot tin roof all day, and couldn’t wait to get out of there.  I could feel myself relaxing on the way home, and then I had a shower and a sleep and felt indescribably better.  We even did the dance of the seven veils 😉  And now I’m sitting here, feeling like a different person.

I wish I could manage my stress/anxiety levels better.  And my depression, of course.  But they are very different in how they manifest.  The depression is much more of an ongoing thing – I’m generally more tired and have less energy and resilience than I used to.  The anxiety, on the other hand, is an acutely felt response, and very difficult to live with, as it spikes occasionally to ridiculous levels, like it did today.  I guess because of its nature, I just don’t have the same chance to learn to live with it, the way I have with depression.

The good news, of course, is that the day ended well.  I thank the powers that be that it did.  Otherwise, this was going to be an extremely long week.

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