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Not doing so incredibly well at the moment, but that’s primarily because I’m in a fair amount of physical pain. Of course this colours my view of the world, which I currently hate. 😉
I was walking through a carpark the other day after a meeting and tripped. Well, tripped doesn’t really sound adequate to describe exactly what happened. It was more like, I threw myself onto a hard gravelled surface, with nothing breaking my fall, except for both knees, and my right forearm. Luckily, nothing serious happened – no sprains or breaks. However, I am covered in bruises, I hurt all over, and tomorrow will be my third day off work and on painkillers. Who would’a thunk a relatively minor thing could cause so many problems?! Bizarre. And embarrassing. Great combination. C couldn’t believe his eyes when he picked me up from work and saw me. I’m personally just glad I didn’t land on my face, or rip any clothing (both my knees were bleeding through my pants, but my pants didn’t actually tear).
Otherwise all is good. Heaps going on with the properties at the moment – we have bought a new one, plus doing fairly major works to an existing one, and turning over a third this weekend. The major works on the existing property includes painting throughout – including skirts and architraves – how I hate enamel paint!! plus we are replacing the cracked shower screen and horrible old leaky toilet. Fortunately I’m nearly finished with the enamel paint, which I hate more than almost anything – the fumes, the mess, the turps cleanup, you name it. Acrylic paint is completely different, so easy to use and clean up, and I don’t mind the smell.
In some good news, I have actually finished our tax for 2010-11 and got it to our accountant. It’s such a relief, I loathe doing it, it’s a huge time suck, plus I find it stressful. It was a particularly nasty year as well, as we bought two properties and sold one, so there were lots of additional bits over and above the usual that I had to make sure I included. We’re hoping for some money back, we need it for our latest purchase.
Work was going well, at least until early afternoon Tuesday when I tried to leave the entirety of my skin behind on the bitumenised carpark. I’ve been off ever since and I don’t think I’ll be in tomorrow either – the bruising is so extensive that I can’t really manage without substantial painkillers every four hours. Have I mentioned lately how much I love the pharmaceutical industry? I know that Big Pharma is the devil, but to be honest it beats the crap out of pain.
I’m feeling a bit all over the place this weekend. It’s been a good week in a few different ways; I’ve started to really clean out the house. I’ve donated a car-full of stuff to the local Good Sammie’s, and I’ve also gone through one shelf in the pantry and got together a box of stuff which I donated to the local Christmas food drive. I cooked dinner last night, and I’ll cook again tonight. I’ve finished my usual cleaning, and I’ve been to three zumba classes this week. I had a really lovely chat with my little brother this morning, who rang me of his own accord and was full of news. My weight is 75.6kgs, which for me is a BMI of 24.97 – for the first time in years, I’m in the ‘normal’ BMI range.
On the other hand, I’m feeling a bit – flat. Not crap, just – flat. I’ve felt like this for a little while now, maybe a week, and I’m not really sure what to do about it. Do I increase my meds? Do I wait and see how I go? Do I learn some relaxation techniques? Who knows. At this stage I’m tempted to up the meds a bit, just to see if they make a difference. I’ve had a couple of bad days in the last few weeks as well; so bad I was a mess. One of them I managed to get to work, the other I just stayed home and cried and slept all day.
The more I think about it, the more I think I will increase my meds. I don’t like feeling like this – the best medical description would be ‘flat affect’ – and I’ve felt like this for a little while now. It’s not improving depending on how much sleep I get, how well I’m eating, or how much exercise I’m doing; I think it may be time to bring in the big guns.
Generally though life is going okay. C is on leave now for two weeks (I go on leave from Thursday) and he’s celebrating by spending about twenty hours a day in front of the computer. This doesn’t particularly worry me, as he needs a bit of time to de-stress after the last few weeks. Work has been ridiculous and he needed a break.
My work has been offering a few ‘extras’ lately to employees – fasting blood tests and mole checks, to name two. I actually went along and utilised both, as part of my new ‘self care’ regime. Bloodwork came back pretty good – everything’s looking okay, apart from my iron saturation levels – no surprise there. The mole scan went well too, everything all looks fine. I’m very fair, and I do have a few moles on my body, so I thought it worthwhile to get it checked out. I’ll be seeing the doctor next Saturday about the iron levels, and hopefully he’ll have a suggestion or two as to how to remedy it. I’ve been on iron tabs for years, I take them with vitamin C, I don’t drink, and I’m not vegetarian – I just absorb iron incredibly poorly.
Otherwise all is smooth sailing. I’m sticking to the exercise and ‘eating plan’ regime fine. I’d love to say I was feeling better for it, but to be honest I’m so tired I’m not feeling hugely different. I know this is because of my iron issues though, so I’m powering through. I’ve managed to not blow off any zumba sessions due to tiredness, and I haven’t eaten naughty food in desperation, so I’m pretty happy with myself overall.
In terms of my mental health, that’s also ticking along okay. If my work life settles down a bit next year, and my iron level picks up, I’ll be looking to (very slowly) reduce my daily dosage of prozac. I’m on 40mg at the moment but would love to just see how I go if I do decrease my dose. Of course I’ll be very careful doing it, the last thing I want is to end up in a hole again. But I do feel like my lifestyle changes are setting me up well to give it a go, at least.
Five years ago today, C and I got married. I didn’t know it at the time but I was about to be diagnosed with clinical depression, which would follow my life for at least the next half-decade. That said, I can honestly say that the day we got married was definitely one of the best days of my life.
We don’t do anything special for our wedding anniversaries; all we’ll do tonight is kick back and have some takeaway squid with salad for dinner. Then we’ll probably cuddle on the couch and watch some episodes of True Blood. Simple, but perfect 🙂
I’m nearly at the end of week two of my new exercise/eating plan regime. It’s been pretty easy, to be honest. I love my zumba classes and never need to motivate myself to go to them, so that aspect is so simple. The food part is a bit harder, and takes a bit more effort, just in terms of recording it all, and being mindful of what I eat. I’m also premenstrual so have had some significant sugar cravings for the last day or so. I’ve bought some diet desserts (creme caramel and chocolate mousse) so that if I do break down, there’s something ‘permissible’ but still naughty that I can indulge in. So far I’m holding out though, which is good.
I had a meeting with my old boss yesterday. Basically she wants to lure me to work with her. The description of the job sounds fantastic, and she’s the best boss I’ve ever had, so I told her that if she could arrange it, I’d love to work with her. Plus it would effectively get me out of my substantive role, which I’m well and truly looking to do.
Who knew that such a short period of time could make such a difference?
I’ve been going regularly to zumba classes – at the moment, 2-3 times a week. I’d like to make it a solid 3x per week, but that will depend on what else is going on. For example I couldn’t make last Saturday’s class, because I’d been to the chiropracter earlier, and he said it wasn’t such a good idea to go on the same day. However, I went tonight – I hadn’t done a Monday class before. With Wednesday’s evening class and next Saturday’s 10am class, this will make 3x this week.
I’m also being a bit more conscious about eating. I wouldn’t say I’m denying myself, I’m just remembering to think, ‘Is this really a good idea?’ So I didn’t have a muffin with my coffee today (which I probably do about once a week, typically on Mondays because it’s the start of the work week); I didn’t have a kitkat with lunch, and I did have a salad and an orange juice, instead of an iced bun (sad but true, this is probably my preferred lunch MO – I’d have an iced bun about three times a week). When I got home from zumba, I had two fish fillets and steamed vegies. I may well have a cornetto in a minute too, but that’s okay.
So yes, lots of lifestyle changes going on. It’s great. I just need to keep the momentum up now. My chiro was very happy to hear I’ve started regular exercise as well, his last words to me were ‘keep it up!’. Considering how good I feel after a class, I think I will. Not just physically good either – the endorphins zoom around my body like they’re on speed. It’s great stuff. I’m not fooling myself that I can kick the antidepressants cold turkey or anything, but the exercise does help, probably more than just about anything else that’s not pharmaceutical-based.
It occurred to me the other day that I’m starting to look after myself a bit better, in a few different ways – physically, mentally, etc. Some of the examples that spring to mind:
- I’m trying to make sure I eat at least one piece of fruit every day. This sounds simple, but for me, it’s something that actually requires brain space.
- I’ve started going to zumba classes 2-3 times a week (other life stuff permitting).
- I’m finally doing something about my lovely case of toenail fungus. (Sounds appealing doesn’t it?!) I ordered three bottles of Funginix and have been religiously applying it twice a day, as per instructions. I’ve had toenail fungus for years but it’s got to the point now where I won’t wear any shoes that show my toes, so it’s time to actually sort it out.
- I’m taking it easy when my body tells me to. For example I should be sorting out the peeling bathroom/laundry in one of our properties today; but instead I’m going to kick back at home, do some laundry, and have a substantial nap.
- I’m being a bit more proactive than I usually am in having time off work. This means I plan it ahead and allow for it, with my boss’s knowledge. This makes me feel more in control and less subject to the vagaries of depression.
- I’m making the effort to actually appreciate the fantastic relationship I have with C. A guy at work is going through all kinds of dramas in his marriage, and it has brought home to me how well C and I get along, and what a great life we really do have together.
- I’m trying to enjoy the little/simple things – the lovely weather, gardening, etc.
I’m sure there’s other stuff, but this is all that springs to mind at the moment.
a life half lived 