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I’m feeling a bit all over the place this weekend.  It’s been a good week in a few different ways; I’ve started to really clean out the house.  I’ve donated a car-full of stuff to the local Good Sammie’s, and I’ve also gone through one shelf in the pantry and got together a box of stuff which I donated to the local Christmas food drive.  I cooked dinner last night, and I’ll cook again tonight.  I’ve finished my usual cleaning, and I’ve been to three zumba classes this week.  I had a really lovely chat with my little brother this morning, who rang me of his own accord and was full of news.  My weight is 75.6kgs, which for me is a BMI of 24.97 – for the first time in years, I’m in the ‘normal’ BMI range.

On the other hand, I’m feeling a bit – flat.  Not crap, just – flat.  I’ve felt like this for a little while now, maybe a week, and I’m not really sure what to do about it.  Do I increase my meds?  Do I wait and see how I go?  Do I learn some relaxation techniques?  Who knows.  At this stage I’m tempted to up the meds a bit, just to see if they make a difference.  I’ve had a couple of bad days in the last few weeks as well; so bad I was a mess.  One of them I managed to get to work, the other I just stayed home and cried and slept all day.

The more I think about it, the more I think I will increase my meds.  I don’t like feeling like this – the best medical description would be ‘flat affect’ – and I’ve felt like this for a little while now.  It’s not improving depending on how much sleep I get, how well I’m eating, or how much exercise I’m doing; I think it may be time to bring in the big guns.

Generally though life is going okay.  C is on leave now for two weeks (I go on leave from Thursday) and he’s celebrating by spending about twenty hours a day in front of the computer.  This doesn’t particularly worry me, as he needs a bit of time to de-stress after the last few weeks.  Work has been ridiculous and he needed a break.


My work has been offering a few ‘extras’ lately to employees – fasting blood tests and mole checks, to name two.  I actually went along and utilised both, as part of my new ‘self care’ regime.  Bloodwork came back pretty good – everything’s looking okay, apart from my iron saturation levels – no surprise there.  The mole scan went well too, everything all looks fine.  I’m very fair, and I do have a few moles on my body, so I thought it worthwhile to get it checked out.  I’ll be seeing the doctor next Saturday about the iron levels, and hopefully he’ll have a suggestion or two as to how to remedy it.  I’ve been on iron tabs for years, I take them with vitamin C, I don’t drink, and I’m not vegetarian – I just absorb iron incredibly poorly.

Otherwise all is smooth sailing.  I’m sticking to the exercise and ‘eating plan’ regime fine.  I’d love to say I was feeling better for it, but to be honest I’m so tired I’m not feeling hugely different.  I know this is because of my iron issues though, so I’m powering through.  I’ve managed to not blow off any zumba sessions due to tiredness, and I haven’t eaten naughty food in desperation, so I’m pretty happy with myself overall.

In terms of my mental health, that’s also ticking along okay.  If my work life settles down a bit next year, and my iron level picks up, I’ll be looking to (very slowly) reduce my daily dosage of prozac.  I’m on 40mg at the moment but would love to just see how I go if I do decrease my dose.  Of course I’ll be very careful doing it, the last thing I want is to end up in a hole again.  But I do feel like my lifestyle changes are setting me up well to give it a go, at least.

Five years ago today, C and I got married.  I didn’t know it at the time but I was about to be diagnosed with clinical depression, which would follow my life for at least the next half-decade.  That said, I can honestly say that the day we got married was definitely one of the best days of my life.

We don’t do anything special for our wedding anniversaries; all we’ll do tonight is kick back and have some takeaway squid with salad for dinner.  Then we’ll probably cuddle on the couch and watch some episodes of True Blood.  Simple, but perfect 🙂

I’m nearly at the end of week two of my new exercise/eating plan regime.  It’s been pretty easy, to be honest.  I love my zumba classes and never need to motivate myself to go to them, so that aspect is so simple.  The food part is a bit harder, and takes a bit more effort, just in terms of recording it all, and being mindful of what I eat.  I’m also premenstrual so have had some significant sugar cravings for the last day or so.  I’ve bought some diet desserts (creme caramel and chocolate mousse) so that if I do break down, there’s something ‘permissible’ but still naughty that I can indulge in.  So far I’m holding out though, which is good.

I had a meeting with my old boss yesterday.  Basically she wants to lure me to work with her.   The description of the job sounds fantastic, and she’s the best boss I’ve ever had, so I told her that if she could arrange it, I’d love to work with her.  Plus it would effectively get me out of my substantive role, which I’m well and truly looking to do.

Who knew that such a short period of time could make such a difference?

I’ve been going regularly to zumba classes – at the moment, 2-3 times a week.  I’d like to make it a solid 3x per week, but that will depend on what else is going on.  For example I couldn’t make last Saturday’s class, because I’d been to the chiropracter earlier, and he said it wasn’t such a good idea to go on the same day.  However, I went tonight – I hadn’t done a Monday class before.  With Wednesday’s evening class and next Saturday’s 10am class, this will make 3x this week.

I’m also being a bit more conscious about eating.  I wouldn’t say I’m denying myself, I’m just remembering to think, ‘Is this really a good idea?’  So I didn’t have a muffin with my coffee today (which I probably do about once a week, typically on Mondays because it’s the start of the work week); I didn’t have a kitkat with lunch, and I did have a salad and an orange juice, instead of an iced bun (sad but true, this is probably my preferred lunch MO – I’d have an iced bun about three times a week).  When I got home from zumba, I had two fish fillets and steamed vegies.  I may well have a cornetto in a minute too, but that’s okay.

So yes, lots of lifestyle changes going on.  It’s great.  I just need to keep the momentum up now.  My chiro was very happy to hear I’ve started regular exercise as well, his last words to me were ‘keep it up!’.  Considering how good I feel after a class, I think I will.  Not just physically good either – the endorphins zoom around my body like they’re on speed.  It’s great stuff.  I’m not fooling myself that I can kick the antidepressants cold turkey or anything, but the exercise does help, probably more than just about anything else that’s not pharmaceutical-based.

It occurred to me the other day that I’m starting to look after myself a bit better, in a few different ways – physically, mentally, etc.  Some of the examples that spring to mind:

  • I’m trying to make sure I eat at least one piece of fruit every day.  This sounds simple, but for me, it’s something that actually requires brain space.
  • I’ve started going to zumba classes 2-3 times a week (other life stuff permitting).
  • I’m finally doing something about my lovely case of toenail fungus.  (Sounds appealing doesn’t it?!)  I ordered three bottles of Funginix and have been religiously applying it twice a day, as per instructions.  I’ve had toenail fungus for years but it’s got to the point now where I won’t wear any shoes that show my toes, so it’s time to actually sort it out.
  • I’m taking it easy when my body tells me to.  For example I should be sorting out the peeling bathroom/laundry in one of our properties today; but instead I’m going to kick back at home, do some laundry, and have a substantial nap.
  • I’m being a bit more proactive than I usually am in having time off work.  This means I plan it ahead and allow for it, with my boss’s knowledge.  This makes me feel more in control and less subject to the vagaries of depression.
  • I’m making the effort to actually appreciate the fantastic relationship I have with C.  A guy at work is going through all kinds of dramas in his marriage, and it has brought home to me how well C and I get along, and what a great life we really do have together.
  • I’m trying to enjoy the little/simple things – the lovely weather, gardening, etc.

I’m sure there’s other stuff, but this is all that springs to mind at the moment.

Today’s been a bit of an odd one.  Got off to a flying start by doing a property turnover in record time – about two hours, with C’s help.  Admittedly it was already pretty clean to start off with, so I didn’t have to do stuff like clean the shower or oven, but even so, two hours is amazingly quick.  The need for speed was due to the previous tenants moving out late morning, and the new ones moving in in the early afternoon.  Mission accomplished 😉

I maintained the forward momentum when I got home and did several loads of laundry.  However I’m sitting here feeling…. well…. flat.  Not sure why.  I’m happy, I got heaps done, and New York has just legislated to approve same sex marriage.  Fantastic!  So I’m not quite sure what’s missing in my brain for my mood to be low.  Maybe my fluoxetine is getting to it the long way around, who knows.

I’m not feeling so good, either physically or mentally.  Physically I have a horrible feeling I’m coming down with something, or at the very least, fighting it off.  I’ve spent yesterday and today mostly asleep, with some housecleaning and ironing interspersed between naps.  However, I keep coughing in my sleep and feeling exhausted, despite sleeping about 18 hours out of 24.

Mentally, I’m feeling a bit on the numb side.  Not sure whether it’s linked to my physical health, but I suspect it is, at least partly.  Plus, it’s been a full-on week with work – I discovered that I’m only staying where I am for the next three months.  This makes me sad as I was hoping to stay there permanently; but never mind.  I guess I just need to look around and find a contingency plan (ie. a different job) in the next twelve weeks.

This has been a good weekend.  We had my brother and his fiancee over to dinner last night, to celebrate his birthday.  We’d normally go to Mum and J’s place, but they’re over east, and as my brother’s only sibling I felt like it would be nice if I did something.  So C and I spent all day cleaning, I cooked roast beef and vegies, and it all went so well they didn’t leave until 1am!  C and I were zonked!  But it was a great night, and my brother appreciated it, which was lovely 🙂

As a result of such a busy day and late night, I spent most of today sleeping – I was just shattered.  I had two naps, both about three hours long, and I only felt normal when I woke up from the second nap at about 6pm tonight.  And I won’t have any problems sleeping tonight, either.  Being tired is the key trigger for my depression, and I’ve learned that ridiculous amounts of sleep for normal people are sometimes necessary for me to keep functioning.

And tonight, after dinner, C asked me if I’d like to go down south next week, for five nights.  (We have a week of leave but we hadn’t made any specific plans for it.)  Of course I said yes, so he booked it online.  We’re going to a place called Harmony Forest in Margaret River, which is beautiful and isolated.  We actually got married there so it has lots of good memories for us both 🙂  So that will make our week off work extra special.  I’m looking forward to it already.

Apart from the weather, all is going well.  I’m loving my new job, and I like my coworkers (at least, most of the time).  I’ve even worked out how to catch public transport to and from my new job, with minimal effort involved.  Yay!  I’m really hoping I get to stay at the new organisation.  Fingers crossed!

Mental health is going fantastically, needless to say.  I can’t believe the difference changing my job has made.  I’m calmer, happier, more easy going, and I’m sleeping better.  I even have energy to do stuff like house cleaning and dishes.  It’s just about a miracle.  I’ve been thinking that if I do get to stay with the current job, I might try very slowly easing off the antidepressants.  I’m currently on 40mg/day of fluoxetine (aka prozac) and I’m feeling really really good.  However we shall wait and see – a lot depends on where I’m working in six months’ time.

While everything work wise is going great, the weather has been not so good.  I said to my boss during the week, that it’s like we’ve all died and gone to hell.  38 degrees celsius (what’s that, 100F?), plus about 80% humidity is horribly uncomfortable.  And the nights aren’t helping either – more humid, if anything, and only dropping to about 25 or 26 degrees celsius (about 77F).  Shit, if I wanted to live in this weather, I’d be in Singapore – better food, public transport, and shopping.  The worst part of it is that it’s not just a few days we’re talking about here – try the last ten days; and the seven day forecast is for exactly the same.  Yucky. 

Our airconditioning is evaporative and it’s really struggling to cope with the heat and humidity.  We’ve had it all 24/7 for the last few days, and I’m still sitting here in my underwear, sweating, directly under a vent.  That said, it would be a lot more uncomfortable if we didn’t have it at all.  It’s times like these that I thank god we had air con installed in our rentals – our tenants would be cooking in this heat if there wasn’t air conditioning available.

Generally though, weather aside, all is well.  I’ve had a productive day already – all the food shopping done, loads of laundry done and hung out on the line (where it drys in about thirty seconds flat), kitchen clean, bathroom clean….. all that’s left for me to do now is have a nap 😀

Wow.  Busy weekend.  My darling friend got married on Saturday.  As I was in the bridal party, I was up at 7am, and didn’t get to relax until after midnight.  That is a loooong day for a girl who likes her sleep.  However, it was lovely, it all went very well, and it was fantastic to see the happy couple so, well, happy. 😀  Plus, I made up for it by sleeping about 20 hours out of 24 the next day.

In other (unrelated) news, C and I have this week off.  When I say ‘off’ I should really say ‘off from paid work’.  As per usual, we’re renovating.  The bathroom/laundry is now finished, apart from the shower screen installation, so that’s all finalised pretty much.  We painted half of the unit today, and will hopefully finish off tomorrow.  C will then need to change all the lights and power switches, and paint the skirting boards etc.  We’re also getting the floorboards repolished on Thursday; then we’ll need to move the furniture in.  I’m hoping (fingers crossed!) that it’ll be ready to have a home open this coming Sunday, but really, anything could happen.

It’s been a while since I mentioned my mental health.  Generally, it’s going well.  After the very long and tiring day I had on Saturday, I was pretty much incapable of doing anything but sleeping.  Which I did.  And today, while I’m tired, it’s manageable.  I think I’ve finally learned how to listen to my body a bit.  Now, need sleep = get sleep.  If I’m tired, I just check out and hit the sack.  So far, it seems to work fairly well.